once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Randomize
