apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
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