After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
