I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I could fuck to npr.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
Randomize
