whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
