just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I smell stomach acid.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
