It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
