I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
