Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
Randomize
