Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
i'm drinking soco out of a mickey mouse cup right now. i love it when college and my childhood meet in the middle.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
