so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
