here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
he puts the penis in happiness.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Randomize
