Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize