I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
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