non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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