Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I have "if found please return to" written in sharpie on my arm, my uterus is rejecting everything, and I have hickies. I must actually be an 18 year old piece of shit girl instead of a responsible 23 year old
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
