you could tell him that chauvinism doesn't go very well with his gay homemade tank top
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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