apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
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