I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
