You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
