why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
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