Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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