so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
