Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
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