please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
