She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
Randomize
