woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
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