dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
What is this nonsense on the table
Your idea.
I mean the hole taco that was chewed up and spit out
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
