My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
