party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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