she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
Randomize
