In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Randomize
