I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
