I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
