Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
