TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
