I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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