So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
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