Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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