if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
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