As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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