i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
oh fat girl friday strikes again...
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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