i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
It happened to me once. But i washed off in a duck pond and walked home naked.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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