She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I ran into cvs barefoot with my belt undone and shirt buttoned wrong and didn't even have to ask. The guy working pointed and said "they're back there."
That's how I look going for the pbr.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
I am never drinking with the goths again.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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