K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
