i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize