I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
