I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
