Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
