Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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